Dear Mr. Postman,
I just want you to know how much I appreciate your tireless effort to deliver the mail, be it rain, shine, snow or sun. Everyday, despite the risk of losing your fingers, you gladly insert letters into the mail slot, no matter how ferocious the growling Schnauzers may sound. You work hard to make sure that I receive every single “no strings attached” credit card offer thrown at me by the crumbling loan industry. You don’t bat an eye when I hand you a big box filled to the brim with yarn, no matter how strange it may seem to you. And I can always count on you when I need a bit of crack yarn to brighten a dreary day.
So even though I am deeply appreciative of your years of dedicated service, I can’t help but be a little disappointed today. See, I’m awaiting a very important package right now, and I’m not sure you fully understand the weight you bear with this particular parcel. It all started last week, when I was innocently checking up on my Flickr friends, when I came across this photo. My heart lept. Could it be? No way. Surely they’re sold out, I told myself. But something from deep within told me to try anyway. It was with trembling hands that I hastily clicked “Add To Cart” and then “Checkout”, hoping to claim my bounty before someone else. 30 seconds later it happened.
I had acquired a Fiddlehead Mittens Kit. The most coveted pattern and yarn combination ever unleashed upon the Internet would soon be mine. I was as elated as Ralphie, when his father pulled out one last box to reveal a Red Rider BB Gun.
So you can imagine how my level of excitement and anticipation has been building all week, since the kit shipped on Monday. I was sure it’d be here today, waiting for me to come home, but I can’t seem to find it.
I checked the outside mail box.
I checked the indoor mail slot.
I checked the front porch, the space in between the front and screen door, and the side of the house. All I was able to find was this lousy credit card offer.
Don’t think me a fool either. I ship a whole lot of stuff with the Postal Service, and I am very attuned to how long a Priority Mail package should take to arrive. I’m very good at reading in between the lines of your cryptic delivery status messages, and I’m almost certain that my mitten kit is in New Mexico. You may say that it arrived too late to get placed on your truck today, but I say that’s not good enough. This is not an offer for Propecia we’re talking about here. This is a very sacred package, which definitely warranted a trip back to the station for a pickup.
Because I’m a nice guy, I’m willing to give you one more day. And maybe, if you’re really diligent about bringing my impulse yarn purchases this year, I’ll knit you a pair of socks to keep your feet warm this winter. Does something like this suit your fancy? It certainly does mine.
So get some rest tonight, because you have a very important job to do tomorrow. Oh, and if you could tell a colleague up in the WA area to make sure that my mystery gift gets delivered tomorrow, that’d be g r e a t.
PS: If you do not deliver the goods tomorrow, I will be forced to let my attack Schnauzers follow you back to the station to retrieve it. Dallas would love nothing more than to give you a huge wet willy.
Sincerely,
Adam
How dare that mailman ignore the call of the yarn from inside the priority mail package! For shame! (And that sock? So very pretty.)
Dallas the attack dog, I can see it now.
oh man, this is hilarious. I have also waited, with baited breath for my loot. Cloth diapers one time. I have actually left a note IN the MAILBOX for the post master. I got my stuff the next day.
Lets plan another get together. I promise I won’t yell at you this time. In fact I will be vintage Germaine, which, because you haven’t seen my A game, is good. Good eats, hospitality, etc.
hahahaha. Well spoken.
Love the attack schnauzers! Except the schnauzer in my heart is the Giant kind.
Oh I know how this feels. I’m one of those who orders something and immediately goes to the door. The mittens are beautiful
My mailman hates me and my love of internet purchases. I feel your pain!!! At least the red sock looks smashing.
Holy cow those mittens are fabulous. Why, why do you cause such jealousy?
Good luck convincing the mailman…hope your postmaster is faster than mine!
Another blog post so soon!!! SWEET! Be careful with those knitting needles…you’ll poke your eye out!
MOM
I had somehow missed those mittens… I read about them on one other blog but got them confused with something else and didn’t bother to click. Ignorance is bliss you know. Now I know and I must have!
i’ve never had to wait too long for a helloyarn package — thank christ we live in the same state — but i feel your pain. i’m currently waiting for an amazon.com package that has been sitting in some godforsaken warehouse in west bumf*ck AK for 2 days. the internets said i would get it YESTERDAY and today they mock me with the words “OUT FOR DELIVERY.” if my package isn’t waiting for me when i come home from work today. HEADS WILL ROLL BABY!
I think most people live in ignorance about how vicious schnauzers can be. They can be dangerous. I had a miniature named Mitzi who would pretend like she was dead whenvever the mailman came by. So she would have been useless for your purposes, of course. I hope your pacakages have arrived to their intended destinations.
OMGoodness! That is hysterical! Attack schnauzers! I almost died reading this post! I really love the pictures of the various mail recepticals! And the sock. Let us not forget the beauty that is that red sock of yours! Thank you for the good laugh and I sympathize! I am anxiously awaiting a package as well…. although not from Hello Yarn! Lucky, Lucky man!
Damn, I didn’t even know they were up for sale again. Luck you! Good luck with the mailman. :)
Funny about your mail attacking schnauzers! One year we lived in a place with a glass panel in the door and the slot below, and after a week or two of torn mail (and then seeing why… 3 dogs including an irish wolfhound would wait with their mouths open for the letters to come through the slot)… well, the postman had enough of that and we had to put a bucket out on the stoop. And at the same place, a substite deliverer put the mail in the old milk cabinet in the back of the house… no wonder we didn’t get bills for a few weeks!
I feel your pain. Hope the mailman listens and brings your mitten kit to you tomorrow!
If you knit socks for your mail carrier? Sheesh. I mean, you’ll never have a crumpled envelope again.
Hope to see pics of the kit soooooon!
Ohhhh….it is so worth waiting for!
Ack! I’m dying to know, since it’s now 5 days since the post - did they come??
Have they come yet?! We need our own service just for our yarn goodness!
Hey Adam…
Just a reminder that your last blog post was March 19…no pressure!
Mom
Hey, I bought some yarn yesterday (because it’s April, not because you converted me) and I told the ladies at the store about you. I was surprised that they didn’t have like an Adamknits shrine or something, but I gave them your address. They told me to bring you around next time you’re in town. How’s it doing?